What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
