sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
