I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Jerry, you need to find god
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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