It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
