Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
