i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
