you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Randomize
