someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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