the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
