Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Randomize
