He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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