I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
