Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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