I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
