Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
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