I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
