...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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