Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
