im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
handjob tips. give me some.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Randomize
