My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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