i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
