Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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