she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
