dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
