6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
