Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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