Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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