it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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