Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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