HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
