I just made out with a guy for $7.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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