..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
