the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
