The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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