Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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