You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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