If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
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