There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
