1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
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