I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Randomize
