I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize