On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
