My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
