i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Randomize
