I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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