Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
