i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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