They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
