Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Randomize
