# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
