she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
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