Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
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