I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
