I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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