No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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