listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
