Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
As shirtless as possible
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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