Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
