Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
